To All The Broken Hearted

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All the genuinely smart, talented, funny friends I know seem to be broken-hearted. You will notice it on Twitter more than Facebook, because Facebook is where you go to do your performance art. It’s where you pretend to be hip; the place where people have ridiculously perfect relationships; the obligatory trips to the moon and where all toddlers potty train themselves. It’s the place where you hide how really bat shit crazy you really are. Facebook is surface; Twitter is subtext, and judging by what I am seeing lately, there are a lot of people experiencing bone aching sadness.

I have attempted to find a common denominator for all these broken-hearted souls and the answers were varied. Anything from; she had a mole on her eyelid; he pronounced it “cold slaw,” and Venus is retrograde. All the excuses you can imagine and some you can’t. But no one has said, “I am three gallons of crazy in a two gallon bucket and no one can put up with a mess like me.”

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know some big truth that I can reveal to everyone. All I can do is hurt, and try to stop hurting, and try to help others stop hurting. Maybe we need to tribe up, find each other and put our arms around each other and say something like: I know you have lost someone and it hurts. Perhaps you began to lose pieces of them until one day, they had disappeared. I’m not going to tell you tomorrow is another day, the sun will go on shining, or there are plenty of fish in the sea. It is ok to hurt, and it won’t be better for a long, long time, but eventually it will. For now take all the time you need. Here is some chocolate.

And most of us have figured out that we have to do what’s in front of us and keep doing it. Go to work, return calls, answer emails, return library books, go to the store. And breathe. And some of us even pray. The horror felt is real, and so you do your laundry and you make it through another day. In the aftermath of a loss we do what we’ve always done, although we are changed. Perhaps that’s the point. People change for two reasons I think: their minds are open or their hearts have been broken.

I know it’s hard to believe people when they say, “I know how you feel”. But I actually know how you feel. I understand feeling as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Malbec you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll discover that little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And you will realize where there is potential for love the heart keeps on going. It will love whom it loves even if you don’t want it to, even after relationships end. It will keep loving after that too.

“And you finally realize with all the bad stuff there always comes good. If our lives are like clay cups then pain carves the cup deeper as we endure more sorrow but only to make it hold more joy as we drink from the well that of the love that surrounds us everyday.”
J. August Luhrs

Love Bats Last

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Love stories are as rare as a cold bottle of Dr. Pepper in Europe, even though Hollywood and its misguided unrealistic version of love would hope that we believe otherwise. I only know of two relationships that have gone the distance. My parents, who will celebrate 60 years this month and my friends Charles and Arne, who, against all odds, and for decades most of society, are celebrating 36 years together.

They met at a party in Manhattan, and through the smoke and over the mullets, they were taken with each other right from the start. One enchanted evening. Their own private cliché. They bought a loft in Tribeca in the late 1970’s, which then was the kind of place where drug deals on the corners were a common occurrence and there were just as many rats as people walking around at night. They had to haul up pipes, plumbing and floors. The Broadway play, “Rent,” – that was their life. The loft, like their love, has transformed over the years from something plain and acceptable to something rich and beautiful, a tapestry of memories they have made and the loves and tragedies they have shared. And like their life together, it is woven of dreams fulfilled and magical moments that still await their touch.

Charles and Arne are two parts that fit together: something that doesn’t happen often but, when it does, it’s the wildest experience to witness. I met them both a little over 20 years ago, and their love has come to be a sweet reflection of what is possible, it has stood to inspire me with a vision of hope and served as a benchmark for my relationships.

I have watched others lives intertwine and then unravel including my own, but theirs have harmoniously held together, like the perfect notes in a symphony, no matter what storm they are going through or crisis they are facing.

Charles understands that Arne, a world famous photographer, needs to be surrounded by dead animals. It looks like a taxidermy shop exploded in their Tribeca loft. You can’t go to the bathroom without dead animals watching you. Depending on Arne’s latest project, gallery-opening or photography book, the loft could be full 10 x 10 framed blow-ups of chewed up dog toys, the neighbors across the street, sock monkeys or the forensic heads of unsolved murdered victims, many who were the murdered girls of Juarez.

Arne understands that Charles, a creative director, and interior designer, needs to be surrounded by beauty, fine things and architecture books. He recognizes the need Charles has to go with me on zany spiritual adventures where we have bolted all over the world searching for mystical mysteries to solve. The only thing we lack is a van, some hip friends and a dog-named Scooby-Doo.

Like a car thrown in reverse, their relationship has had to move backward. These two men have already proven what traditional wedding vows can only hope, “in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poorer.” They have comforted, honored, loved and cherished each other day in and day out for over 11,000 days.

Finally, Charles and Arne are planning a wedding and trying to decide what to do for the ceremony. I was thinking they should do something unconventional like Coney Island, or perhaps something simple at the justice of the peace’s office. While Charles and I were in Tibet, we met a nurse who informed us that she was married to the captain of a spaceship from the Pleiades star cluster. Obviously, she was on her own trip, but perhaps her husband could marry them. As a captain of a ship he would have the authority, which I think is a stellar idea. An interstellar idea.

Yankee_stadium_exterior But after everything they have been through, after all the prejudice they have faced and overcome, I have come to realize it is the spark of spirit within the individual soul that makes this sort of love possible at all. It is the inner uniqueness that makes life meaningful at each stage; that makes love a possibility at any moment, and that makes each moment susceptible and vulnerable. Love doesn’t answer to doctrine or dogmas, for there is no theory or system that can substitute for a life unlived, for a story undeveloped, for fate not faced, for a destiny not embraced, and for a love not known. For this reason, I hope that they marry at Yankee Stadium. Not only because of it’s significance to New York and New Yorkers, but because their relationship is just like baseball. When the bases are loaded, and it’s the bottom of the 9th the best player is brought out to bat one out of the park – just as the fans hold their breaths wondering if this feat can really happen. For their 36 years together, Charles and Arne are living proof of the miracle that love can be. Every time life has thrown them a curveball, they have managed to continually bat one out of the park, standing confidently together because, in the end, love is the victorious winner, because in the end, love always bats last.

Synchronicity and the Magic of Life

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One April, in lower Manhattan, I stepped out of a cab on West Broadway in front of the SoHo Grand Hotel. Missing the curb I began to fall and a man who was walking by caught me. The man turned out to be an old friend from Westlake High School who still lives in Austin and who I had not seen in twenty years. This is a coincidence: an uncanny event.

In the summer of 2007, I was attending a conference in Santa Fe, and during my lunch break, I was online searching for doctors anywhere in the world who might be able to help my son Sam, who was born blind. I was interrupted by a call from my friend Felicia who asked me to speak to a friend of hers who also has a blind son. She had found a doctor with alternative methods and she was fearful of the doctor’s unusual protocols. I immediately called this person, got the name of that doctor, and discovered that he lived in Santa Fe and his name was Sam! This is synchronicity: an unconscious awareness of life, a set of messages and these messages that are life-changing. Often times a prophecy, synchronicity is an unlikely or impossible coincidence that cannot be explained by luck or chance.

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Carl Gustave Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist and he coined the term synchronicity to describe what he called the “acausal connecting principle” that links mind and matter. He said this underlying connectedness manifests itself through meaningful coincidences that cannot be explained by cause and effect. Such synchronicities occur, he theorized when a strong need arises in the psyche of an individual.

Coincidence and synchronicity are both defined as “striking occurrences of two or more events at one time.” The difference is that coincidence is perceived as chance or luck while synchronicity implies intuition, harmony, and resonance, the presence of a deeper intelligence at work.

A coincidence is a random external event that has nothing to do with your inner world. You live as a reactor to the external. You are not yet conscious of the fact that you have the ability to think independently of your present circumstances, thereby creating your own experience. The magic of life is overlooked.

Understanding synchronicity, you realize that there is more to everyone and everything than what they appear to be in physical form. You know that the invisible essence of everything on the planet is interconnected. You recognize the power of your thoughts and begin to consciously choose thoughts and belief patterns that will serve you and the planet. You are deeply humbled as you begin to see the connection between what you are thinking and what the Universe is delivering to you. The recognition of a deeper intelligence at work holds you in a beautiful state of awe and wonder at the mystery of life. The secret to life is not knowing how it all works: rather, in knowing your purpose, and allowing life to reveal itself with grace. You understand that to humans, time happens on a linear line; but, to the Universe, time happens all at once. Synchronicity means we are participating in the creative mind of the universe.

Some people attribute synchronicity to luck, fate, destiny, karma, angels or a miracle. My grandfather used to say that synchronicity happens when God wants to remain anonymous. Whatever your belief might be, synchronicity is the magic that gives us a sense that something bigger is happening something we can’t observe with just our five senses.

Whether you believe in synchronicity or not, I encourage you to approach the mishaps of life as favors. View accidents as not so accidental and all people we encounter serving a meaningful purposeful in our lives. There is significance in interruptions and in the unexpected. Your reality will shift and you will find yourself on the bridge between the invisible and the visible. Moments will be full of discovery and fulfillment and you will realize that you are constantly surrounded by messages, blessings, and magic. Because those who don’t believe in magic will never find it and certainly never experience it.

Live Your Story

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Was it just me? Or, did the other 17 million people watching the riveting Bruce Jenner interview in which he came out as a transgender woman on 20/20 with Diane Sawyer find Bruce Jenner to be the kindest, bravest and gentlest soul in the universe?

Unfortunately most people didn’t hear of Jenner until watching the public spectacle that is “The Kardashians,” America’s own famous-for-being-famous family. But I have been a Jenner fan since I was barely a teenager. I was glued to the TV as I watched him win the decathlon in the 1976 Montreal Summer Olympics and thus becoming the best athlete in the world. I was the first on my block to bolt out and buy the Wheaties box with his photo on the front, and I didn’t even eat Wheaties. I had a poster of Jenner hanging in my room, and he inspired me every day to be my best. To me, he will always be the archetypical Olympic hero who rocked the world with his athletic abilities.

When I discovered that my son Sam was dyslexic, I hung a photo of Jenner in his room, because he too is dyslexic. I read one of Jenner’s books in which he said that he hated school. But in the 5th grade, he discovered he could run. And run Bruce did for years and years away from himself…until he stopped running and sat in front of Diane Sawyer.

The irony of Jenner’s story is that the Kardashians were trying to run with the big dogs and doing a whole lot of nothing but shopping –were trying so desperately to be the story. But Bruce stated, “I had the story…the one real, true story in the family was the one I was hiding and nobody knew about.”

That’s when the interview hit a real nerve with me. Even if you can’t relate to his specific situation, everyone knows what it’s like to have a family dynamic drastically change and how scary it is to realize that nothing is ever going to be the same. If you strip away the reality show headlines the Kardashians are just a close-knit family, granted a crazy mess, but they love each other and like the rest of us are not above dealing with the complicated issues. The family’s acceptance of Jenner, and the enormous influence they have on our culture, along with their hundreds of millions of social media followers, provides an extremely powerful platform.

Jenner told Diane Sawyer, “We’re going to do some good here,” and I admit he certainly changed my views of what it means to be a transgender and the agonizing decisions they must face, the ridicule, and the harassment. I wonder how many of us could face such mockery? There was a statistic during the interview that stated 80% of Americans know someone who is gay but only 9% know someone who is transgender. Jenner has changed that forever. We all know Jenner now. He opened up his chest cavity and showed us his soul – which, as he said, was that of a woman. I hope we all will collectively stand by Jenner and others who are battling with this difficult decision. I know that is my plan.

Jenner has gone from Olympic superstar, a Playgirl cover, author, and reality show character and now he has strong-armed his way into our hearts with his tenderness. Thirty-nine years after winning the title of the strongest athlete in the world, he continues to show world-class strength. He reminds us that nothing is stronger than gentleness.

Bruce Jenner, I applaud you. I commend you. I want to be just like you. Courageous. Kind. Strong. And above all else, honest. Jenner has taught us all that one person can change the world, just by living his story. I wonder what the world would be like if we all did the same.

Don’t Settle for Happiness

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“Damn it, Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!”
said James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise.

Happiness is overrated.

I don’t want to be content, comfortable or happy. I want depth. I want to live intensely and authentically. I want to sob when I am sad and shout when I am angry. And I want to feel. Everything. I want it all. Joy, disappointment, jealousy, euphoria, vulnerability, the whole shebang.

But mostly I want a meaningful life.

Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even a selfish life in which things go well, external needs and desires are easily satisfied. People become happy after they get what they want.

A meaningful life means joy is derived from serving and giving to others. In other words, meaning transcends the self while happiness is all about giving the self what it wants. Meaning also transcends the present moment where happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now. But it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do. Meaning however is enduring. It connects the past to the present to the future.

We will find meaning by determining a purpose for our lives, doing work that makes a difference to others, developing meaningful relationships, and serving one another and a Higher Power. If we build our lives on meaning, if we lean into suffering, if we release the need to control the outcome of our lives, perhaps we might have to wait longer for answers. But when we get them, whatever they are, we will ultimately know an enduring peace.

What sets humans apart from animals is not the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of meaning. It’s what makes humans uniquely human. By putting aside our selfish interests to serve someone or something larger than ourselves — by devoting our lives to “giving” rather than “taking” — we are not only expressing our fundamental humanity, but we are also acknowledging that there is more to the good life than the pursuit of simple happiness.

And suffer we do. It’s the ongoing tragedy of humans. Our lives and humanity are untidy, disorganized and careworn. Life on earth is often a raunchy and violent experience. It can be agony just getting through the day. It would be great if we could shop, eat, have sex, or drink our way out. But, I have tried and trust me, we can’t.

But no one is served by trying to avoid the grubbiness of suffering. Eventually, we do come out – exhausted and changed.

Good people can do great things while enduring suffering. Sorrow allows us to practice compassion. We show up. Pass the time. Be present. Sit with others in their hopelessness and pain and feel terrible with them. It’s just about the most gracious gift we have to offer.

Gravity, sorrow, pain, and suffering yank us down. Finding meaning gives us a nudge to help one another and get back up or to sit with the fallen on the ground in the abyss in solidarity. Because of this help, another world opens space within us, and around us, which creates a more radiant and meaningful reality. This reality is your best shot of happiness.

My oldest son August Luhrs who is graduating from the University of Southern California this month recently said, “If our lives are like clay cups, then suffering carves the cup deeper as we endure more sorrow, but only to make it hold more joy as we drink from the well of the love that surrounds us every day.”

Having a meaningful life, that’s the real happiness.

Michelle Cromer