“At first I was afraid, I was petrified,” sings Gloria Gaynor in her huge hit “I Will Survive.” This is the song I was listening to when I received the phone call from my doctor. I don’t remember much of what he said, all I remember were those three devastating words, “You have cancer.” The opening line summed up my exact feeling. Petrified.
After I hung up the phone I made a choice. I knew the opposite of fear is courage and I realized to get through this adventure I would need to surround myself with family and friends who would not only support and encourage me but would help me stay in my joy.
The deep sorrow of any illness carves a hole into our being, but the hole leaves space for joy. Sorrow and joy are a package deal. When one in your kitchen the other is asleep on the couch.
I learned that joy is everyday magic. It grounds me. It lifts me. It expands my mind and spirit. And I learned that a daily affirmation helped me to stay in my joy. I would look in the mirror at the scars on my face that six surgeries and 64 stitches left and I would say out loud:
“My scars are only skin deep. Cancer cannot break my heart, it cannot rob my spirit, and it cannot touch my soul. Today I choose to stay in my joy.”
Today I joyfully celebrate my four-year cancer-free anniversary. I was told I most likely wouldn’t be here on this day. And here I am! I know how impossible it can be to beat the odds, but healing is always tethered to the mystery of the impossible, which, in every instance, requires the animation of the spirit, the capacity to let go and allow the impossible to take flight — giving form and vision to endless possibilities.
I will forever be grateful for my reconstruction plastic surgeon Dr. David Hecht, in Scottsdale. He not only saved my life by doing a biopsy on my “freckle” when THREE doctors said it was nothing, he used his talent and artistic genius to put my face back together after I had five procedures to cut out the cancer. As my scars continue to fade my admiration, respect, and gratitude for Dr. Hecht never will.
Surviving cancer didn’t give me a fresh start on life; it gave me a chance to understand what it means to live. It isn’t a challenge to be dealt with, conquered, or overcome. I realized a complex view of myself was required to work through my fears and having cancer has provided me a level of maturity I have never before experienced. I am now weathered, solid, shaped by my sorrow and pain as well as by my success and joys. Cancer is a process that allowed me to open doorways and turn the lights on to the inner rooms of my soul. The gratitude I feel will be burned into my consciousness forever. I will never forget because I will never be the same.
And now the darkness is over. And in its place is the illumination of a bright new path that lights the way for the rest of my life and for the joy that surrounds me. Always.
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