A mother of a dear friend of mine died recently. As Cathy, my friend courageously stopped life support on Carol her mother, I witnessed Carol’s children, grandchildren and close friends come together to share heart warming and hysterical stories of a life well lived. This scene reminded me of a childhood story.

Sebastian, an old Priest lay on his deathbed. He was a holy man who had studied scholarly texts and taught others for years. He had become widely known and greatly respected. More than that, he was revered and loved by his students.

Now that his time had come, his faithful students gathered around to share in his final moments. With characteristic honestly, the old teacher told his students the truth of the situation, he was afraid to die. “I am afraid,” he said, “of God’s final justice. I fear I will be punished in the world to come.”

The students were shocked and began to reassure their teacher: “Father, you are a pure and righteous man, what do you have to fear in facing God?”

With his final breath Sebastian replied to his students, “I am not afraid that God will ask me, “Sebastian why were you not more like Abraham? Why were you not more like Moses? I can honestly say that I did not have the god-given abilities of Abraham or the talents of Moses. But if God asks me, “Sebastian why were you not more like Sebastian? For that I have to answer!” In so saying the old priest passed into the world that waits beyond this one.

Death, they used to say, is a great teacher and often a great teacher will use their own death as a final lesson on life. The final exam turns out to have but a single question and it involves the specifics of life rather than some generalities of religion or philosophy. People ask: What is the meaning of life? They believe there is some general answer. A better question would be: What is the meaning in my life? While you had a chance to live, did you become your true self? Having received the gift of life, did you learn the nature of your gifts and the purpose of them? Have you lived the life that was given to you or substituted some general model or abstract idea?

When it comes to the question of whether or not you have become yourself, there is no way to cheat; there are no excuses and no big reprieves. There is no higher authority to call upon; for the final exam is not about the things outside oneself. Those who believe the answers are “outside there somewhere” are in for a shock when the final question asks who they are within themselves. The answer to the question of life was hidden inside the questioner all along.

The qualification for entering the after-life do not derive so much from following rules and obeying commandments. We qualify for the next world by living uniquely and creatively in this one. When someone’s life becomes meaningful to them their death will have meaning to others.

The saints and prophets, the great philosophers and wise teachers may be proper models for finding the paths of discovery, but each life must eventually become a revelation of itself. Simply imitating a Moses or Jesus, or a Mohammed doesn’t satisfy the question that the divine has for each soul. Living by religious rules and precepts may open a path of learning, but in the end no outer model can lead us all the way to becoming who we are at the core of ourselves.

Seen this way, the final judgement will not pivot upon doctrines or dogmas; for there is no theory or system that can substitute for a life unlived, for a story undeveloped, for a fate not faced, for a destiny not embraced. That’s the final lesson, the last word, and essential wisdom that the good preist was honest enough to communicate with his final breath and Carol was able to prove with her life, well lived.

“Just as there are seasons in the world around us, so there are in our interior life,” Teresa of Avila wisely observed. “We cannot expect it to be otherwise.”

Spring is a time for cleaning out and clearing away old clutter and making way for fresh possibilities and new opportunities. It’s a time to revive our senses and expand our horizons. It’s time to begin again.

In English we have the expression, “Spring Cleaning.” In Judaism, the holiday of Pesach-Passover is defined as a Spring holiday (the actual date of Passover was originally determined by the Spring season). Passover is also a time of cleaning. There is a fundamental relationship between Springtime and its blossoms and house cleaning which crosses cultures and is ingrained in all of us.

This Spring allow your thoughts to transform the process of sweeping the floor, folding clothes, painting the house and all other relevant labors into a spiritually uplifting process where although we are dusting the furniture we are actually removing the dust from ourselves and the shining sheen of polished silverware actually reflect our personal labor of self assessment and cleansing which serves to makes us better people.

In this season of renewal and rebirth here are some suggestions to hasten an interior rejuvenation. As outside, so inside.

1. On a Clear Day You Can See Forever-Wash the windows of your house or apartment. Then, spend some time in meditation clearing away the dirt that clouds your vision. Let go of any hurts, grudges, and resentments. If there is anyone you need to forgive, do so, including yourself.
2. Walking Meditation-Go outside on a beautiful Spring day and walk slowly, in a relaxed way. Be present with each step you take, being mindful of your walking.
3. Energy Fast-Try a 24 hour period to participate more directly in the earths rhythm of light and dark, use no electric lights for 24 hours. To get back in touch with the smells and textures of your food, use no appliances while cooking for a day. To experience the true sounds of Spring, don’t turn on the television, radio or computer for a day.
4. Clean out Closets-If you can’t fit into it, or you haven’t worn it while Obama has been President, donate it. Clean out drawers and reduce clutter and as you sweep and clean, be mindful of the all the old habits that are not serving you and strive to clean those out too.
5. End Your Spring Days with Prayer-Here is a Native American prayer my grandmother would say each Spring.
Earth teach me stillness 

as the grasses are stilled with light. 

Earth teach me suffering 

as old stones suffer with memory. 

Earth teach me humility 

as blossoms are humble with beginning. 

Earth teach me caring 

as the mother who secures her young. 

Earth teach me courage 

as the tree which stands all alone. 

Earth teach me limitation 

as the ant which crawls on the ground. 

Earth teach me freedom 

as the eagle which soars in the sky. 

Earth teach me resignation 

as the leaves which die in the fall. 

Earth teach me regeneration 

as the seed which rises in the spring. 

Earth teach me to forget myself 

as melted snow forgets its life. 

Earth teach me to remember kindness 

as dry fields weep with rain. 

— Ute prayer

I was in a pub in Ruidoso, New Mexico, on a date when a good- looking, tall drink of water bus boy walked up to our table. As he bent down to take away the dirty dishes, I looked up and knew in an instant that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this stranger.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do feel our souls possess a timeless and deep recognition that offers a rare and a profound spiritual connection. This recognition occurs outside the normal time frame of our conscious mind because it takes place outside the realm of time.

We define our human experience in physical terms: physical places and physical bodies. However, our soul and the communication from our soul originate in a non-physical place. It is not here or there, it simply is. It differs from the physical in many ways, but it does exist – it is real, and it is a place of pure energy. It is in this space where a spiritual connection transpires.

Most people, whether they will admit to it or not, have a “perfect match” checklist, just like the kind a dating service asks an applicant to fill out. In theory, the more of each other’s boxes you can tick off, the more well suited you are for each other. Although this is a well-intended concept, most of the time it is the things that don’t appear on a checklist that matter most. I didn’t know what color hair my husband would have, nor did I know how tall he would be. I didn’t know what he did for a living, what religion he might practice, if he snored or if he wore boxers instead of briefs. But, I knew exactly how he would make me feel. Safe. Understood. Alive. And loved, deeply, truly, perfectly.

Love is often called chemistry – when we combine certain elements, they unite and create a unified whole. But a spiritual love goes beyond the typical chemistry feeling and is perceived on a deeper level of understanding, which goes way beyond the sharing of interests, hobbies, religion, political ideologies or education. It’s as if you have known the other person your whole life, yet have only really known them a short period of time. The normal courting time frame does not fit with spiritually connected couples. Most couples know each other for years before they decide to get engaged, a spiritually connected couple can know each other a couple of hours.

Spiritually connected couples aren’t perfect, and just because you find this deeper spiritual connection does not mean you will sail into the sunset without any issues. But it does seem like these couples that are connected on a deeper level find a way to work things out when they hit rough and choppy waters.

Relationships are challenging, anyone who has been married longer than a second knows this, but when a couple shares the deeper spiritual bond and when they communicate on the mind, body and soul level, the chance of a successful relationship is much greater.

The bus boy, as it turned out, was the owner of the pub, and also an orthopedic surgeon in Ruidoso. We began dating the weekend after we met and we were engaged 90 days later. This year we celebrate 14 years together, however things have not always gone smoothly. But through the ups and downs of life, through the death of a baby, the challenges that come with raising two boys, aging parents, and all the crazy life situations we stand united and eternally connected. I am not certain of many things, but I do know I will have this deep and unwavering spiritual intimacy with my husband for the rest of my life, and most likely beyond this life.

Forgiveness

I have been mad at my husband since the summer of 2007. Please look at that sentence, think about it briefly, and if you are so inclined say a little prayer on behalf of my husband. He made a horrifically bad financial choice, one I begged him not to do, and the end result was a disaster. And because he didn’t acknowledge my opinion, he deeply hurt my feelings.

Forgiving him seems like I am letting him off the hook. But I am tired of carrying around this anger and am wondering what exactly does it take to move past this gigantic hurt?

Study after study has found that forgiving is good for the body as well as the soul. It can lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce levels of depression, anxiety and anger. People who forgive generally have more and better relationships with others, feel happier and more hopeful.

The trouble is I don’t actually know how to forgive my husband. There’s no manual for forgiveness, no instruction booklet for moving past betrayals, and hurts.

Recently I interviewed Dr. Louis Kosher, author of, A New Language For Life, on my Sunday night blog talk radio show, and I asked his professional advice.

“No matter what the offense, the process of forgiveness is the same: You let go of anger and hurt by being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness.”

That’s it? A little mindful meditation and all is forgiven?

“Forgiveness concepts are simple,” he says. “It’s the execution that’s hard.”

But how? Researchers are now using functional magnetic resonance imaging to see if the answer lies within the brain. A team at the University of Pisa in Italy asked people to imagine forgiving someone and then observed changes in cerebral blood flow, which signaled the parts of the brain that became more active. They found that several regions “lit up,” especially areas that regulate emotional responses, moral judgments, perceptions of physical pain, and decision-making. By creating this kind of neural map, researchers hope to learn more about how forgiveness works on both a physical and a psychological level.

Kathleen Lawler-Row, PhD, a psychology professor at East Carolina University, is one of several researchers exploring the relationship between forgiveness and health—physical, emotional, and spiritual. She thinks the effects of forgiveness go beyond lowering blood pressure and improving sleep. According to her, once you forgive someone for something very painful, you never experience life the same way again. She states, “You’re more flexible, less black-and-white in your expectations of how life or other people will be. If there’s one thing that characterizes people who have experienced forgiveness, it’s that kind of larger perspective: I can’t predict what life will hand me, but I’m going to respond to it in this way.”

Lawler-Row believes that forgiveness is at heart, a choice, and one that any of us can make at any time, no matter the “content” we’re wrestling with. How do we do it? Maybe the choice depends in part on how we define the idea. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rationalizing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn’t mean a sudden case of amnesia.

Forgiveness, I begin to see, is not about pretending you don’t feel angry or hurt. It’s about responding out of kindness rather than rage. It’s about letting you feel the full spectrum of emotions—grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. Even toward someone who’s hurt you deeply.

Perhaps this holiday season I have finally found the perfect gift to give my husband – my forgiveness. As is usually the case when I give my husband something really wonderful, the gift is really for me.

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