Forgiveness

I have been mad at my husband since the summer of 2007. Please look at that sentence, think about it briefly, and if you are so inclined say a little prayer on behalf of my husband. He made a horrifically bad financial choice, one I begged him not to do, and the end result was a disaster. And because he didn’t acknowledge my opinion, he deeply hurt my feelings.

Forgiving him seems like I am letting him off the hook. But I am tired of carrying around this anger and am wondering what exactly does it take to move past this gigantic hurt?

Study after study has found that forgiving is good for the body as well as the soul. It can lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce levels of depression, anxiety and anger. People who forgive generally have more and better relationships with others, feel happier and more hopeful.

The trouble is I don’t actually know how to forgive my husband. There’s no manual for forgiveness, no instruction booklet for moving past betrayals, and hurts.

Recently I interviewed Dr. Louis Kosher, author of, A New Language For Life, on my Sunday night blog talk radio show, and I asked his professional advice.

“No matter what the offense, the process of forgiveness is the same: You let go of anger and hurt by being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness.”

That’s it? A little mindful meditation and all is forgiven?

“Forgiveness concepts are simple,” he says. “It’s the execution that’s hard.”

But how? Researchers are now using functional magnetic resonance imaging to see if the answer lies within the brain. A team at the University of Pisa in Italy asked people to imagine forgiving someone and then observed changes in cerebral blood flow, which signaled the parts of the brain that became more active. They found that several regions “lit up,” especially areas that regulate emotional responses, moral judgments, perceptions of physical pain, and decision-making. By creating this kind of neural map, researchers hope to learn more about how forgiveness works on both a physical and a psychological level.

Kathleen Lawler-Row, PhD, a psychology professor at East Carolina University, is one of several researchers exploring the relationship between forgiveness and health—physical, emotional, and spiritual. She thinks the effects of forgiveness go beyond lowering blood pressure and improving sleep. According to her, once you forgive someone for something very painful, you never experience life the same way again. She states, “You’re more flexible, less black-and-white in your expectations of how life or other people will be. If there’s one thing that characterizes people who have experienced forgiveness, it’s that kind of larger perspective: I can’t predict what life will hand me, but I’m going to respond to it in this way.”

Lawler-Row believes that forgiveness is at heart, a choice, and one that any of us can make at any time, no matter the “content” we’re wrestling with. How do we do it? Maybe the choice depends in part on how we define the idea. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rationalizing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn’t mean a sudden case of amnesia.

Forgiveness, I begin to see, is not about pretending you don’t feel angry or hurt. It’s about responding out of kindness rather than rage. It’s about letting you feel the full spectrum of emotions—grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. Even toward someone who’s hurt you deeply.

Perhaps this holiday season I have finally found the perfect gift to give my husband – my forgiveness. As is usually the case when I give my husband something really wonderful, the gift is really for me.

https://michellecromer.com/100/

A wise woman was traveling in the mountains. As she crossed a stream she looked down and found a precious stone. She picked it up and tucked it away in her bag. The following day
 the wise woman met another traveler who was hungry. When she opened her bag to share her food, the 
hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked 
the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his 
good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough
 to give him security for a lifetime. But a few 
days later he returned in order to give the stone back to the
 wise woman.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said, “I know how
 valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the 
hope that you can give me something even more 
precious.”
“What could that possibly be?” asked the wise woman.
“Give me what you have within you that
 enabled you to give me the stone,” the hungry man replied.
I have heard many versions of this beautiful Zen
 story and there are so many lessons to learn from
 this one simple tale. I interpret the river to be symbolic of the journey of life, and the precious stones to be the people in my life. We
 find many precious stones during this journey. They may not look precious. They may seem to be plain old pebbles. But if we look closely – if 
we pay attention and take the time to pick up the
 stones and shine them, and look after them – we can see that they are 
precious beyond all measure. But they do not belong to us. We just look after
 them for a while. They come and go as life takes 
all kinds of twists and turns. All we can do is enjoy the beauty when it is in 
our hands and in our lives and let it go when the time comes to do so. These are moments of grace. Moments of gratitude
. As we focus on them, we manifest more of the
 same.
In this month of thanksgiving, I 
want to give thanks for the precious stones that I have been honored to hold in my arms and in my life: my two remarkable sons, August and Sam, my devoted husband Barry, my steadfast family, my incredible friends, my astonishing colleagues, and my amazing clients. Oftentimes, these precious stones stay with me for months or years, but always the time spent seems fleeting. They are the greatest and most humble teachers, the most inspiring and heart-warming support.
My wish for you this season is that you hold the precious stones in your life close. You never know when the time will come when you must let them go.
Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire, if you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times, during those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations, 
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge, 
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes, 
they will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
, because it means you’ve made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things, 
a life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
 also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, 
and they can become your blessings. Author Unknown

When I say my son August plays Quidditch for the University of Southern California, one of two things seem to occur. Either the person looks at me like I am carnival side show freak, or they ask, “Does August fly?” Both responses deserve a bitch slap.
However, now I can announce that the International Quidditch Association (IQA) selected August, out of thousands of players, to represent the United States at the Olympics in London! He is one of 21 athletes chosen to be on the first Quidditch Team USA. The USA will play Australia, France, and the UK in exposition games before the Olympics in July.
A surprising number of collegiate players grew up reading about the once fictional sport of Quidditch in the Harry Potter novels. The rules of Muggle Quidditch are fairly complicated, but it is described as a full contact cross between basketball, tag, rugby and dodgeball. The players don’t fly on broomsticks as J.K. Rowlings dreamed up, but the players do have to have a broom between their legs at all times.
Like in the novels, there are seven players on the pitch per team, three chasers, two beaters, one keeper and one seeker. Chasers run down the pitch passing a volleyball that serves as the Quaffle, and try to score in any of the opposing team’s three goal hoops. Beaters use dodge balls acting as bludgers to try to stop the play of players from the other team. When hit with a bludger, players must run back and touch their goal hoops before reentering play. The keeper acts as goalie. The seeker tries to catch the snitch. The snitch is a neutral player dressed in all yellow with snitch handing from his shorts. He or she can leave the pitch boundaries, and use any means to avoid capture.
Adapted seven years ago by students at Middlebury College in Vermont, the sport is now played at more than 600 universities and high schools in the country, which play throughout the year in leagues and at invitational’s according to the IQA. I went to see USC in the World Cup in New York City last November and 94 college teams from around the country attended. With growth and participation statistics like this, it is clear that Quidditch is not just a fad.
What is probably most surprising to observers, after the brooms between the players’ legs, is that Quidditch is a co-ed sport. There is a gender rule in the official handbook that states for every five players of one gender there must be two of the other. When females have a chance to equal males in a sport, they rise to the occasion and some of the best Quidditch players I have seen are female. These gals are not afraid to get tackled and all the players on the field are evaluated on skill not gender. It seems like magic or a miracle that longstanding stereotypes are being broken down so quickly in a nationally recognized sport. Maybe it is due to the origin of the sport or maybe this sport attracts a type of open-minded athlete. Either way, the gender lines are blurred in Quidditch.
When Quidditch is internationally recognized at the Olympics this summer, the world will witness the athleticism of Quidditch’s finest, and understand that this sport takes concentration, determination and skill. I am thrilled to be able to witness this historic event and honored to say that my son August is among the best in the world at this sport.
August received a full academic scholarship to USC, and I never dreamed that the summer after his freshmen year he would be selected to go to the Olympics in any sport, much less a sport that appears within the pages of fiction novels we began to read together when he was in the first grade. Now who says there’s no such thing as magic?

Is it just my husband or are other men angry, confused and depressed? I can’t walk down the sidewalk without bumping into a man who might be suffering from alcoholism, workaholics, hypertension, or chronic stress. It is as if there is massive middle-aged fraternity, and these self-destructive actions are the requirements for recognition.

It’s obvious that men are in a lot of pain.

However this pain is becoming a catalyst for countless numbers of men to explore the emotional and spiritual geography of their lives as well as create a new vision for what it means to be a man. Workshops, retreats, and men’s groups are providing safe havens where men talk from the heart instead of the head. A commonly held perception is that men express their spirituality in more primal, aggressive modes like beating a drum. Rather, what seems to be emerging in men is a more reflective spirituality that focuses on cultivating inner qualities such as compassion, intimate connection, and mutual respect rather than power and authority. Some are saying their spiritual work is helping them find inner peace, live more authentic lives, and have more fulfilling relationships, especially with women.

During the industrial revolution of the late 1800’s to early 1900’s, a seismic shift occurred economically, socially and culturally. For men and their sons, and consequently for society as a whole, this shift proved catastrophic. Men left their homes to seek work many miles from the common thread that historically united grandfathers, fathers and sons. This was a tribal thread that had once woven the males into the fabric of lineage of men that had come before them. Older men had always initiated the younger boys into the ways of men, guiding them to find a balance point deep within their masculine souls. Today, ceremonial rites of passage are all but extinct in our society. As a result, most boys are not spiritually awakened. They do not grow up to feel competent around other men and with their own manhood. They then have sons of their own and the cycle continues. If we are to find new ways to initiate our boys and share with them their spiritual and masculine legacies, it will only come after we all do a great deal of soul searching. This search can lead to spiritual insight and a movement towards embodiment, transformation, and service.
The challenge many men are encountering now on their path to spiritual awakening is how to integrate these more sensitive qualities into their lifestyle without losing touch with their masculine warrior energy. The goal, it seems is not to become a sensitive, tie-dye wearing new age guy but instead embrace one’s wholeness. For many men the greatest fear they have to overcome during their spiritual passage is facing prolonged uncertainty. The void that all spiritual warriors pass through between the disintegration of the old unconscious self and the emergence of the new conscious self is terrifying.

Slowing the pace, listening more attentively, and cultivating inner awareness are ways men are making healthier and more conscious choices. Men are also seeking spiritual guidance and inspiration from the various wisdom traditions around the world. What they are learning from their search into the sacred text and teachings of Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sufism, mythology and Native American culture is that they are experiencing what every spiritual warrior has experienced through out the history of time – the loss of self. As horrifying as this is for many men, they are also realizing that not having a fixed identity is helping them discover their more true empowered selves, moment by moment. Slowly, one by one, men are going through the transformational fire of death and rebirth and coming more fully into their wholeness, into their power, and into their humanity. And, because of this the world is becoming a better place for everyone.

The news that Jerry Sandusky was arrested and is now standing in a court room should not come as a shock to anyone. With the sickening allegations of more boys and more rapes, it is just a matter of time before Sandusky will do jail time.

I wonder if he wore Penn State blue? How is it possible that someone…ANYONE.. from the university hasn’t asked him to hand over all his Penn State attire? Where are the Penn State leaders in this deal? Again, no where to be found.